Audra’s

Audra V – Develop your argument with a few more details, clean up your transitions, let know what your doing … Great start

Your paper is vague, and I can’t really tell why you think voice is style. You start off okay in the beginning, and you tell us what you think voice might be, and your imitation is fine too, but you kind of lost me after that. Your personal experience’s with love kind of come out of nowhere, if you want to put it in the essay you should find a better way to integrate it into your paper. Also I felt like I didn’t really follow what you were saying, and I didn’t feel like you came up with any theories on what you think voice is. You talked about your personal experiences and opinions, which is fine, but they make up the whole second half of your essay. I think you have a wonderful start, but I would rewrite your last two paragraphs. Overall, good first draft.

I think you have a good rough draft, but I feel like you need to keep going a bit with your opinions. I got that you thought voice was style, but your imitation seemed to change the content more than just the style. I think you have a good starting point, but I think you definitely need to explain your opinion more and clarify some things. Good start though!

- Audra D.

Audra V.,
This is a good rough draft. The introduction doesn’t really hook the reader in, and perhaps you can write a smoother transition between the intro and the second paragraph. When you write about how you hope your imitation left your reader feeling “good,” what relevancy is that to your paper? Do you think that voice should leave your reader feeling something? Thanks for sharing your paper.
Noel

I like that your paper is short and sweet. The only comment that I have is your intro ends in a confusing way. You come to the conclusion that Voice is style, but then you talk about how important voice is. These last lines made me think that you were arguing how important voice is and not that voice is style.

This seems a little repetitive, but your ideas are clearly stated.

You have a good start to your paper here, and your paper is very easy to read. I would like to see a transition before your imitation so that readers will know you aren’t setting up the piece there but actually imitating it. After the imitation, I was confused about whether your paper was about voice or the importance of love. I understand that is what your imitation was about, but it needs to be more clear about how it matters to your conception of voice.

This is a nice draft but I think you could use some better transitions in places. Maybe go back and read your paper out loud. Also I would like to see more detail. I feel like you just touch on some ideas but that you don’t fully go into them.

You have great ideas, but your words get repetitive like big and big and important and important. Those are common enough words to just be able to use a thesaurus and plug in a different word.

Hi Audra,
Good job on your first draft! I could relate with your paper because I feel the same way and I practically said the same thing in my paper. I like how you told the readers that during your imitation you found yourself adding your opinion, it’s true and I didn’t realize I did the same thing until i read your paper, so thanks! Other than your repetitive and over-used words in the first paragraph I don’t have much criticism, though at some points I feel you say the same thing over again, just with a different style. But great job!

Nikki

this paper is very off subject and away from the mark by that i mean your argument wasn’t strong enough to convince me of your point, but you do have a good start just keep devolping your argument and that will make your point stronger.

Audra,

In your intro you identify “voice” as style because style gives you the ability to express your opinions. Really? can you clarify this for me? How does style give you the ability to express your opinion? Because with a unique style, others will listen to you? I’m not sure I make the connection.
I think your conclusion could use a bit more reflection on voice as either style or content.
Good job.

Brianna

Audra V.
Your paper is really good. I can really understand what you are talking about and I agree with your paper. Good job! I like it alot!!
Katie B.

Not bad for a first draft. The first paragraph was a little repetitive with certain words, like big and important, and even the word paper is used a little too much. I also thought it was interesting that you considered the opinion of the writer to be style, because I would consider that to be content. If you’re going to make that argument, I would suggest explaining more why opinion is style and not content. Because to me it seems like you were not imitating Frankfurt’s content if you were changing his opinion with yours. Also, I thought your explanations in the third part could just be elaborated on more in general. Your paper seemed a little bit too short, and could use more explanation all around. Not a bad start, though.

Audra,
This is a pretty good draft. I have a few quick comments though. Your opening doesn’t really grab me. I tend to like papers that I am gripped by the opening. It may just be a personal style thing though. Second I feel like you could develop your argument alot more. I was not fully convinced on the reasons that you had your opinion. Also you have some rough transitions.
I think that with a little bit of work you have an amazing paper here!
-Kara

I think this is a really good rough draft…but like I said it is a rough draft. I like love your last sentence it is very powerful and it flows well with the rest of your papers theme. However I would like for you to expand on your thought of voice as style more because I only feel like you touch on it for a second. Also I was a bit confused with the paragraph that followed the imitation…it was good but was kind of just personal thoughts on your love life and not a reason for style as voice. Overall great paper…just needs a few finishing touches.